For Everyone
- Communicate your needs clearly from the start
Have a house meeting early on. Openly discuss needs and expectations. If your children have special needs, discuss that. If you bring pets, talk about managing their care. Get into the minutiae: what times do you typically wake up and go to bed? When do you eat meals? How can you merge these timelines or navigate them? Talk about how you plan to divvy up expenses such as groceries and utilities.
"If not addressed, it can lead to stress or resentments," says Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist. "Evacuees may have to adjust their routines, hosts may have to relax their rules. That first meeting is everything."
- Create personal spaces and manage clutter
Even if your living space is small, you can designate certain areas — a corner of the room or a patio — for individuals or families to have their own spaces. You can also set up privacy curtains, even if it’s just taping a sheet to wall. If the living space is small, manage clutter — keep things you don’t need every day, like extra clothing, books or suitcases, in your car or in hotel storage. If you have the ability, get foldable furniture and remove bedding during the day to ensure walkways are clear.
"Carving out personal space promotes a sense of agency," says Dr. Tovar, "and provides you refuge if you need to get away from the crowd."
- Establish routines and cleanliness expectations
Create a schedule for when you’ll be using shared spaces, like the kitchen and bathroom, in order to prevent conflicts. Maybe that’s a rotation in the kitchen. Or using a timer with limits on how long each person’s shower should be.
"It’s a point of contention in any household: how long is the shower?" says Dr. Tovar. "Discuss the needs of the household; use shared spaces equally."
For Evacuees
- Respect house rules
However you can merge with the household you’re in, within reason, will go a long way toward minimizing arguments and misunderstandings. Try to adapt to the household norms and routines. If the hosts have quiet hours, try to honor that even if it’s different from your usual lifestyle. If you feel the need to alter your living space, like rearranging furniture, ask permission.
"Any time you’re a guest, you feel like you’re tiptoeing a little," says Dr. Tovar. "But remember: this space wouldn’t be offered to you if this person didn’t care about you and want you to be safe. So you may not need to tiptoe as much as a normal situation, because there’s a lot of grace. But also being considerate of your host can go a very long way to creating a peaceful environment."
- Contribute
Even though you may be quite busy filling out paperwork or replacing your belongings, contributing to the household, even in small ways, will go a long way. Offer to help with chores or groceries; cook breakfast or walk the dog. These tasks can help ease the burden on the hosts and return a sense of normalcy for evacuees.
"Talk to your hosts about incorporating routines from your own life so as to create a sense of normalcy for you," says Julie Cederbaum, a USC social work professor. "In a situation like this, where everything feels out of control — and you’re in someone else’s house — having a routine gives you a sense of order and control that reduces stress and anxiety."
- Seek external support
Taking advantage of the many resources available right now, like pro bono therapists, housing assistance — or just friends — is vital. Seeking external support can help you start to navigate your path toward more permanent housing and recover from the emotional loss.
"Some of us internalize things — we keep our feelings inside and don’t talk about it," says Dr. Cederbaum. "Some externalize it — we talk about it all the time. If people offer help or a lending ear, you’re not burdening them by talking about your stress and worries and sadness. Taking opportunities to express how you feel is beneficial to your overall well-being."
For Hosts
- Set boundaries early on
Be upfront about your expectations regarding shared spaces, chores, and expenses. Establish a preliminary length of stay that you revisit toward the end of that time period so that it’s not open-ended. You may think you’re hosting someone for a week and it could turn into months, Dr. Tovar warns. Establish how much you can provide in terms of time and space and find out whether that aligns with your guest’s needs — and then revisit that later.
"Providing somebody a safe place after disaster is about the biggest donation you can give that person," says Dr. Tovar. "You are doing so much for them and they’re so grateful to have this space to regroup. You shouldn’t feel like it’s an open-ended invitation for months and years. You also have to take care of your own life and routine and coming to a mutually agreed upon time to terminate the stay helps both people move forward and reclaim their lives."
- Practice empathy
It’s important to remember that your guests have just experienced an unimaginable loss. And while it’s important to maintain boundaries, offering emotional support by listening can help foster a more harmonious living situation. Avoid saying things that are aggressively positive like: "Perhaps this was for the best" or "Maybe this is God’s plan." "Listening is the most important thing you can do rather than offering advice," says Dr. Tovar.
"Recognize that even when discussions happen and routines are set up people may make mistakes and those conversations may have to happen again," Dr. Cederbaum adds. "Be patient. It takes a minute for people to integrate and be focused, especially when their brain is overloaded."
- Encourage open dialogue
Consider a weekly house meeting and check in with your guests about issues like noise levels and taking time in the bathroom, rather than letting things simmer. Have an open dialogue that isn’t about finger-pointing but about finding solutions.
"Say: ‘Some people are not feeling like they have equal time in the shower. What can we do to solve this problem?’ And then open it up for everyone to discuss," says Dr. Tovar. "Rather than saying ‘Hey, Fred, you took too long in the shower.’"
Conclusion
Living in close quarters with others, whether by choice or necessity, can be challenging, especially in the face of disaster. By following these tips, both evacuees and hosts can create a more harmonious and supportive environment, fostering healing and recovery in the process.
FAQs
- How can I set boundaries with my guest?
- Be upfront about your expectations regarding shared spaces, chores, and expenses.
- How can I contribute to the household?
- Offer to help with chores or groceries; cook breakfast or walk the dog.
- How can I seek external support?
- Take advantage of resources like pro bono therapists, housing assistance, or just friends.
- How can I practice empathy with my guest?
- Listen to their concerns and offer emotional support. Avoid giving unsolicited advice.
