How do you talk to kids about wildfire losses? Experts weigh in

How to talk to your children about the fires

A child is less likely to experience an event as a trauma — even a devastating wildfire — if they are offered an explanation, a story to understand, and emotional support from a loving, trusted adult, said Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and best-selling author of the parenting guide “Good Inside.”

“The way we talk to ourselves and to our kids during these moments has a bigger impact on how our kids will remember these events than the events themselves.”

The key to helping your child is to be honest, reassuring, and to deliver the information in a simple, age-appropriate way — no matter how young your child might be.

Parents often hesitate to tell their child the truth about a potentially traumatic event, but “information doesn’t scare kids as much as a lack of information scares kids,” said Kennedy.

Kennedy recommends that parents begin by trying to regulate their own emotions, remind themselves that what they are feeling is valid, and try to access the sturdy part of themselves, however small it feels. There’s no rush — parents are likely to have this conversation multiple times, over a period of weeks or even months — and “there are no right words for situations that are so wrong,” Kennedy said. No matter their age, try to tell children directly what happened, and reassure them that they are safe now, and it is normal to feel sad, angry, and scared. “Whether your kid is 2 or 22, it will be helpful to hear that you’re validating their reality.”

Advice for parents of babies and toddlers

Joey Kehoe and his 1-year-old daughter Florence barely escaped the fire that destroyed their condo on Palisades Drive. He grabbed his daughter and jumped in the car, but there was a long lineup of cars on the one road out, and the smoke was everywhere.

For babies who experience the effects of the fires, Parlakian said parents should expect them to be disregulated, fussier, and harder to soothe. “And that behavior is coming at a time when we are also really disregulated.” Parlakian said the best way to help a baby is for the adults to regulate their own breathing so that they can “talk to baby in a calm way, so body and face are soft, and they can use a usual tone of voice.”

And as much as parents are dealing with the chaos of the moment, Parlakian said they should try to stick to a baby’s everyday routine, and try to make time for fun moments of singing, play, and stories, to help give their child a sense of normalcy.

For toddlers and even babies, Kennedy said it’s important to offer a simple explanation of what happened and reassure them they are safe. Try using two blocks, or even two water bottles to explain, “We were here. And then we all went so fast in the car all the way over here. And now we’re safe and we’re going to stay here,” she suggested.

Tips for talking with preschool-aged children

Dr. Gregory Leskin, a psychologist and program director with the National Child Traumatic Stress Network at UCLA, said for preschoolers, it’s best to focus on providing concrete facts but avoiding graphic details.

“It was a big fire, and we had to leave to stay safe, and we’re safe now,” he offered as an example. Avoid abstract descriptions like “destruction of homes.” Children who don’t have basic information may fill in the blanks themselves, and some even end up thinking they had a role in what happened. “We want to emphasize reassurance and safety,” he said.

Since many young children may not really understand what a fire is, beyond the candles on a birthday cake, it may be helpful to offer a few specifics. If a house has been lost, for example, a parent might specify, “the fire burned our couch, and the fire probably burned the kitchen table.”

It’s also important to pay attention to the questions they might ask and the stories they are telling themselves about the event, said Parlakian. After 9/11, she said, they often saw young children building towers and then flying toy cars or planes into them to process what had happened. After the fires, she expects to see more play about fire engines or a fire in a dollhouse.

Instead of rushing into their game to remind them, “everything’s OK,” Parlakian recommends joining in as helper. “You can say, ‘I’m coming from another fire station to help you out! You’re not alone.’” And the old Mr. Rogers advice to “look for the helpers” in a time of trouble can help ground a child in feeling safe, she said.

How to talk to elementary school children

Tanya Reyes said her 8-year-old daughter has been watching the video her husband filmed of the burning remains of their home over and over again on the iPad. “I don’t think there’s a right way to process,” but the repeated viewing made her nervous, she said.

Leskin said it’s important but difficult to limit media exposure for older kids. He recommends parents keep the news off around children and try to limit the graphic exposure to fire images, especially if the child is feeling upset.

Older children are also likely to be sharing information with one another at school or on social media, and it’s important for parents to help them understand and interpret it. Parents should listen for any information that is not accurate and correct it. But it’s important to let them lean on their peers, and allowing kids to connect with and reassure each other.

Conclusion

Children may experience these events in a wide variety of ways that may change over the days and weeks ahead. It is important for parents to be patient, understanding, and supportive as their children process the trauma of the wildfires.

FAQs

Q: How can I help my child feel safe after a wildfire?
A: Reassure your child that they are safe now, and that you are there to protect them.

Q: What should I tell my child about the wildfire?
A: Be honest and straightforward, but avoid graphic details. Focus on providing concrete facts and emphasizing reassurance and safety.

Q: How can I help my child process their feelings about the wildfire?
A: Listen to your child and validate their emotions. Encourage them to express their feelings and offer support and comfort.

Q: What if my child is having trouble sleeping or eating after the wildfire?
A: Reassure your child that it is normal to feel scared or upset after a traumatic event. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and offer comfort and support.