Introduction to Holiday Stress
Not long ago, Niro Feliciano found herself sitting down to wrap Christmas presents for her four children at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve, after already having attended a candlelight church service and hosted a dinner for extended family that same night. It was a frantic end to a hectic holiday season and the moment she realized something had to change.
The Problem with Holiday Expectations
Feliciano loves the winter holidays with all their cozy rituals, but for most of her adult life, she struggled to squeeze the cookie baking, holiday parties, Christmas movies, and occasional picturesque sleigh rides into her already jam-packed life running a private practice while raising four kids with her surgeon husband. “We run at an insane pace all the time, so as soon as I started hearing about holidays I used to get stressed. There was no bandwidth, there was no time,” she said. “And I kept thinking, ‘How am I going to do this?’”
Strategies for Finding Joy
In her new book, Feliciano describes how she mindfully shifted her relationship to the holiday season by choosing to slow down, do less, and focus on “connection over perfection,” as she puts it. In 31 short chapters — one for each day of December — she offers down-to-earth personal stories and advice for people who find themselves overwhelmed by the winter holidays, whether that’s because they are trying to do too much, or because they are dealing with soul-crushing issues like grief, loss, loneliness, or illness.
The Impact of Social Media
It’s huge. Social media has affected us on two levels. The first is the comparison, which affects our perception of what we really want. Like, look at my crappy decorations compared to this woman who is not Martha Stewart but she could be. Then all of a sudden comes, I don’t feel as content. I’m not as satisfied. But scrolling on social media also has a literal impact on our brain chemistry. We are getting these dopamine hits and then our body tries to compensate for it and that puts us in a state where we are more irritable, more anxious, more depressed.
Silent Mornings
In her book, Feliciano describes a practice she calls “silent morning,” where you wake up early, light a candle, drink coffee, and enjoy time by yourself, reading, journaling, praying, or just sitting quietly before beginning the day. During the holidays, she did it several times a week and thinks that made the most difference for how she felt at the end of the season. She felt like she created something that was just for her, and it was beautiful and something to look forward to and relaxing. Even if it was only for five or 10 minutes, it made a difference.
Finding Joy in Hard Times
It feels like we’re supposed to experience joy during the holidays, but after the year we’ve had, some of us may find joy elusive this season. Feliciano suggests going back to the idea that comes from dialectical behavioral therapy: Two things can be true. We can be living in very hard, painful circumstances and it’s important to acknowledge that and also recognize there are ways to experience joy; it’s just a matter of where to look. Oftentimes, she thinks you have to make the choice that you want to experience joy and that you are going to look for it.
Handling Grief
The holidays can be especially challenging for people who are grieving. Feliciano advises giving yourself grace to not do things the way you’ve always done them. If it’s too painful, you can try something new. Also, don’t put pressure on yourself to make all these plans. You may not know how you are going to feel until that day. She thinks you just have to honor your feelings in the moment and surround yourself with people who will honor that for you.
Conflicts Around Gifts
Feliciano also has a chapter on conflicts that can arise around disappointing gifts. This is something that comes up a lot with her clients. So many women feel so disappointed by that particular piece. It’s like, we do this for everyone else, why can’t anyone do it for us? It is especially significant for her because she and her husband have struggled with this too. They are 22 years married and now she’s very intentional about buying herself gifts and giving them to him and saying, “Hey, wrap this for me,” but it was a serious point of contention early on.
Conclusion
Finding joy during the holiday season can be challenging, especially when we feel overwhelmed by expectations, social media, and personal struggles. However, by slowing down, focusing on connection over perfection, and incorporating practices like silent mornings, we can shift our relationship to the holiday season and find more joy and peace. Remember, it’s okay to do things differently, to prioritize your own needs, and to seek joy in the midst of hard circumstances.
FAQs
Q: How can I reduce stress during the holiday season?
A: Try slowing down, focusing on connection over perfection, and incorporating practices like silent mornings.
Q: How can I handle grief during the holidays?
A: Give yourself grace to not do things the way you’ve always done them, don’t put pressure on yourself to make all these plans, and surround yourself with people who will honor your feelings.
Q: Why is social media a problem during the holidays?
A: Social media can lead to comparison and affect our perception of what we really want, and it can also have a literal impact on our brain chemistry, leading to irritability, anxiety, and depression.
Q: How can I find joy in hard times?
A: Make the choice to look for joy, focus on what most matters in your life, and connect with those things to find joy.
